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preaching. I longed for the return of the fabbath, that I might be tried and fearched. I was now determined to leave the place I was joined to as a member, and attend his miniftry on fabbath mornings, as what I heard at the old place my foul could not endure; it was like finging fongs to a heavy heart. How my foul loathed that daubing with untempered mortar! that peace which was spoken to my foul when God had spoken no peace! Bleffed, for ever bleffed be the Lord, who has delivered me from that empty profeffion, from that fnare of the fowler. It was indeed fovereign mercy that delivered me from falling into that ditch, where the blind are leading the blind; and I was as blind as any one that is left behind, and perhaps far more prefumptuous. Pardon this digreffion, dear fir, for Chrift's love had just touched the Irandle of the lock, which made me thus wander. But to return. I went on fo, I think, about a year, groaning under this heavy burden. I could not unbofom myself fully to any one. I fometimes accidentally fell into the herald's company at the G -; and, as I wifhed much to have fome converfation with him, I preffed him to favour me with a vifit; and he faid he would, which raised my expectation of having an opportunity to open my mind to him. But I believe it was a year after his first invitation before he came, which I affure you tried me not a little. The firft time he called I could not perfuade him to get off his horfe.

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horfe. This diftreffed me much, and I concluded that no one cared for my foul, and fo gave up all thoughts of ever having an opportunity of speaking to him, unless I went to him on purpose; and that I feared would be deemed too great a freedom; and, befides, I was afraid that I fhould not be able to make him to understand me, nor be able to point my cafe out fo bad as it really was; and, fhould that be the cafe, I should be deprived of receiving a faithful fentence from his mouth. I believe he read my condemnation in my face, which used to make me tremble from head to foot. When I faw him come down from the pulpit stairs I thought he looked at me as if he wifhed I would never enter the chapel more. I think it was about a month after this, one sabbath morning, he had been cutting and condemning me till I thought I was almost in the bottomlefs pit. I could no longer refrain, and therefore went to him into the veftry. He received me kindly, and gave me liberty to tell him all I wifhed; and, to my great surprise, he told me he really believed the Lord had begun a work on my foul, and that the Spirit of God was leading me to a fight and fenfe of my state by nature, and giving me to fee that without Chrift I could do nothing. What I felt at hearing this I cannot exprefs; it was like life from the dead. I did not lofe my burden, but I felt a gleam of hope from this confideration, that, if it was the Lord's work, I was not beyond the

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reach of mercy. I could, from this time, tell him my whole heart and foul without any referve; and he was the only perfon to whom I could. And many words has he fpoken to me in private which have helped me with a little help when I have thought I was near upon the borders of defpair. He once preached from thefe words in Malachi: “Behold, I will fend my meffenger, and he fhall prepare the way before me: and the Lord, whom ye feek, fhall fuddenly come to his temple; even the Meffenger of the covenant, whom ye delight in: behold, he fhall furely come, faith the Lord of Hofts." Under this fermon I feemed to have a glimpfe of the perfon of Chrift. I could not tell what it was then. I think it had fome effect in attracting my affections, for I loft my burden for feveral days; and, though it was not attended with any appropriating faith, yet it produced a joy in my foul which I had not felt before. I nurfed this frame till I loft it, and my burden returned heavier than ever. Yet I cannot help thinking but that was the feafon that Chrift knit my affections to himself; and it was the only feafon of real joy that I ever experienced till the Lord was pleased to break my fetters. As I before obferved, my burden got heavier; and I found worldly cares got fuch hold of my mind that I was bowed down under them. My memory could retain nothing but what was against me. If I attempted to read but a chapter in the Bible, my thoughts were like

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the fool's eyes, wandering to the ends of the earth. If I attended the word preached, it was the fame. And, though I was taught, by bitter experience, fomething of the importance of the truths I heard, yet, if I attempted to pray, though I knew I muft perish everlastingly if the Lord did not give me the things I felt my need of, yet here worldly cares would fo crowd into my mind that I have forgot what I came to God for. This I thought was a black mark indeed; this made my burden intolerable. His minifiry ftill cut me off in the matter of faith. He would defcribe all I felt; and fometimes, under the word, I would have a little gleam of light to fee fomething of the Spirit's work, which would give me a little hope that I was in the footfteps of the flock. But he was fure not to leave the pulpit till he had pofitively afferted that in fuch a foul, under those feelings, there was faith; which was like ftriking me dead; for I was well convinced I was quite deftitute of that precious grace; and thefe two paffages of fcripture were, to me, quite a confirmation of it. The first is the words of Christ himself, when he fays to his difciples, "If ye had faith as a grain of muftard feed, ye might fay to this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou caft into the fea; and it fhould be done." The mountain I conceived to be unbelief. The Saviour fays the mustard feed is the leaft of all feeds; and I drew this inference from it-that, if I had the leaft degree of faith

in my heart, I fhould not be held fo faft under its power. The other paffage is, what John fays in one of his epiftles :- "This is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith." But, with refpect to my knowing any thing of this victory, my confcience bore witness that worldly cares fo captivated my thoughts, that I could not keep them where I wifhed them to be for one minute. What it was which kept me from black despair I know not. All the hope I had was this: when I had a gleam of light to fee that the path I was in had been trodden by many who had received pardon and peace in times paft, then I thought perhaps God might fave me. But then I knew not but that this hope might be cut off; and, should this take place, I must be loft for ever. And I lived in daily expectation that this would be the cafe. At times I fhould find my burden get lighter; at leaft, I fhould feel myfelf more infenfible of it. Then I thought I was in a worfe fituation than before; and I fought for it as if it had been my chiefeft treafure; though I knew, when I had it, it almost made me diftracted. I laboured long under a fharp temptation, and was faying, like one of old, "I choofe ftrangling rather than life." Any inftrument of death I could not bear in my fight; and was afraid I fhould be left to be my own executioner. The Lord ftill held me up to the light, and to a fight of his juftice and fovereignty; and I faw clearly that he would be

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