5. To bee diligent in observing and recording of illustrious Providences.

But in all, to bee continually going unto the Lord Jesus Christ, as the only Physician, and Redeemer, of my Soul. Lord! Thou that workest in mee to do, help mee to perform.

Penned by, Cotton Mather; A feeble and worthless, yett (Lord! by thy Grace!) desirous to approve himself, a sincere and faithful Servant of Jesus Christ.

The Lord knowes, how miserably defective I have been, in the performing of what I have thus resolved. But my Defects, have been the matter of my continual Reflections and Abasements before Him. And, for the main, I have made in my Study, to bee abounding in these Works of the Lord. Yea, these Flights of my Soul, in Essayes to glorify God, have been but the lower and lesser Flights of my Youth; which I hope, will ere long proceed unto a Mounting up with the Wings of Eagles.

The Singular Assistences which the God of Heaven gave unto mee, in my public Ministrations on the following Sabbath, were such, as caused mee to draw up this conclusion; I beleeve, I shall have a glorious Presence of God with mee, thro' my whole Ministry.

And God so strangely inclined the Hearts of the People in our Congregation; that besides their weekly Collections every Lord's-Day, they did about this Time subscribe about Seventy Pounds, for my Encouragement, in my public Service the ensuing year.1

13 d. 1 m. [March.] Lord's-Day. Coming home, from the

1 Cotton was not ordained colleague to his father in the church until May 13, 1685. His uncle Nathaniel wrote: "I had forgot to say to yourself, by any means get to preach without any use of or help by your notes. When I was in N. E., no man that I remember used them except one, and hee because of a speciall infirmity, the vertigo, as I take it, or some specie of it. Neither of your Grandfathers used any, nor did your uncle [Samuel] here, nor doe I, tho wee both of us write generally the materialls of all our sermons." 4 Collections, VIII. 34.

public Service, wherein I enjoy'd the special Assistences of God I wrote these Words: I beleeve that I am a chosen Vessel, and that the Lord will pour mercy unto mee, till I have arrived unto a Fulness of eternal Glory! Lord, help me to serve thee, love thee, glorify thy Name. Fill mee with thy Spirit. It will bee so! Oh! Who am I, that I should bee filled with the Spirit of the Holy God!

But it will bee so! The Lord hath caused His Servant to trust in His Word. Isa. 44. 3.1

This Day in the Assurance, the glorious and ravishing Assurance, of the Divine Love, my Joyes were almost insupportable!

19 d. 1 m. Three weeks are not passed, since my keeping a secret Fast, before the Lord; and now on the very same Accounts, I keep another.2

My Essayes, to cast myself upon the Mercy of God, in Jesus Christ, this Day, were attended with wonderful Assurances, that the Lord was mine and that I should be His forever.

Yea, I feel the Lord Jesus Christ most sensibly carrying on, the Interests of His Kingdome in my Soul, continually.

mee.

The Day following [20th], having been thrown into much Weakness and Faintness by the extraordinary Devotions, wherein I had been labouring, Satan made it unto mee an Occasion of many Discouraging Fears, that I should not bee able to go thro' the work, which was the Lords-Day before But I earnestly cried unto the Lord, saying, Lord, I 1"For I will pour water upon him that is thirsty, and floods upon the dry ground: I will pour my spirit upon thy seed, and my blessing upon thine offspring." 2 While Mather did not literally starve his veins with daily fasts, he undoubtedly carried his abstinence at times to an excess, and produced a weakness that accompanied him through life. When thus weakened he saw visions and heard voices, the recording of which was beyond him and his attempts to picture them are at times not a little ridiculous. At first spontaneous, these visitations became in time mechanical, and the mechanism is so apparent as to deprive the exhibition of its intended effect. He began those exercises of days of prayer and fasting when he was about fourteen years of age, making Scudder's Christian's Walk his directory in those duties. Paterna, in Wendell, Cotton Mather, 36.

Oh!

know not what to do, but my Eyes are unto thee. Thou art a Master, most able and ready to help thy poor Servants. lett thy Strength appear in my Weakness; and, being strong in the Lord lett mee be carried now beyond myself. Lord, Thou hast said, Thou wilt bee with thy Disciples to the End of the World; I apply that Word, I rely on thee; Į beleeve thou wilt enable mee to glorify thy Name.

In the Strength of this Faith I went into the great Congregation; and the Lord gave mee such remarkable and even unusual Assistences, that I saw cause then to enter this Advice;

"Remember, O my Soul; that when I am going about the Work of my dear Master, the Lord Jesus Christ, thou art then to depend on Him for Strength: Fear nothing, thou shalt be strong."

3 d. 2 m. [April.] Lord's-Day.

This Day, the Lord putt

itt into my Heart to make this Prayer before Him. That Hee would give mee, to write something that may do Service, for the Lord Jesus Christ, among young Persons. And I was perswaded, that I should live to do it!

8 d. 2 m. I found my Soul under strong Distempers; and especially, an idle Frame of Soul, was a Plague upon mee. Upon this Occasion I fell into an exceeding Bitternesse of Spirit; and I was filled with Fears, that the Spirit of God was going to take a sad Farewell of mee. This Agony of my mind, sett mee upon Prayer; but in Prayer I found myself horribly straitned; nor could I find any Promise that I could lay hold upon. Yea, I could not go unto the Lord Jesus Christ, nor do any thing to rescue myself out of the most shattered, and confused, condition in the World. I saw, there was no Peace to bee had, if the Lord spoke it not, and I saw, that it was a dangerous Thing to give way unto anything, that may grieve the Spirit of God. The Lord is grinding mee to Peaces for the Frames of Soul, wherein I have allowed myself.

But after all, I will (thought I) do these things. First. I will not absolutely conclude, that the Lord, intends mee Hurt in my Desertions. Hee has done, and will do, the same good unto mee, by them, that by other Afflictions. I beleeve, that when the Lord had broken mee, and fitted mee for further Mercy, and laid mee low before Him, Hee will raise mee up, in bestowing of great Comfort on mee and employing mee in great Service for Him.

Secondly; I will not slacken my seeking the Face of God. Tho' now, when I try to pray I am so full of Darkness, Horrour, and Confusion, that I am not able to pray as formerly, yett when I can't pray, I'l groan. There is an, It may bee, a, who knowes! a, who can tell! but the Lord may pitty mee and Releeve mee.

The Day following, my Confusions continued and tho' I made Attempts at Prayer, yett a disconsolate Heart, that I had, could make no work of it. I considered; I was never sufficiently sensible both of my Vileness and Weakness before the Lord; and I never enough prized His Consolations. Now, thought I, the good God will rectify my Spirit. I considered also; perhaps the Lord is trying, which way my Spirit will work; and whither I will go for Help and Joy. But, Lord, Thou art my Fountain, and I am resolved in thy Strength, that tho' thou grindest mee to Powder, I will never leave thee; tho' thou killest mee, I will putt my Trust in thee. I have worldly Delights and Contents enough, but O my Lord, they will not do.

After some further Meditations, I went before the Lord, and my departed Strength returned something to mee. At last I said, Lord, this has been the Counsel, that in thy Name, I have given to discouraged Souls, when speaking to them, in the great Congregation: If they could not beleeve, yett lett them try what they could do, and stretch out their withered Hands. And, Lord, this course I will follow, this Counsil I will take myself. Oh! Thou mighty Saviour, who hast bid all the Ends

of Earth, to look unto thee, and said that thou wilt cast out none of those that come unto thee, Oh! I am helpless. But I look unto thee, I come unto thee. O undertake for mee. Deliver mee. I beleeve thou wilt; Lord, help my Unbeleef. My Diseases are so complicated, that I am not able so much as distinctly to mention them unto thee; much less can I remedy them. Only thou art my Support; and the Lord Jesus Christ shall have all the Glory.

So my Heart was quieted.

10 d. 2 m. Lord's-Day. This Day my enlarged Heart used these Expressions, in Prayer before the Lord.

"Lord, spare my Life, but, if thou dost call for mee out of this Vale of Tears, I am willing to dy, and come unto thee. Nevertheless, if it bee thy Will, I would live, to do some special Service for thee, before I shall go hence and bee no more; Yea, lett mee do something and in thy Time lett mee write something that may do good unto young Persons when I shall bee dead and gone."

16 d. 2 m. This Day I sett apart for solemn Humiliation, and earnest Supplication, in Secret before the Lord. My unsuitable and unsanctified Frames, under the most wonderful Mercies of God; and the Desertions which had lately darkened my Soul, were the things which drove mee to these Duties;

And my special Errands to the Lord were, that Hee would speak Peace unto mee, and that Hee would give mee Strength to overcome the Distempers of my Heart, and that Hee would prepare mee for and employ mee in some special Service, to His dearest Name.

Horrible Agonies and Amazements took hold of my Soul this Day, when I was, as in the Beginning of such Dayes I ever use to bee, entertaining myself with the manifold Instances of my Sinfulness and Wretchedness. After the Prayers wherein these things were amplified, sitting in my Chair, I had such Thoughts as these; "What intends my