Thyself. And what shall I now say? In Thyself, O Lord,
I see enough and enough.

"Lord Art thou not a Good God? Yea, I am every way sure, that there are no Bounds of thy Goodness. Now, Lord, lett this thy admirable Goodness, mercifully pardon all the Sins, which might Intercept the course of this thy Favour to mee. And oh! lett not thy Goodness permit mee to ly under a dreadful Affliction, that shall prejudice my Services of Thyself, in the weighty Work, whereto thou hast called mee; lest the Spirit fail before Thee, and the Soul that Thou hast made!

"And, Lord, Art thou not a Powerful God? Yea, I know, that great is my Lord, and of great Power. Oh! Thou that madest Man's Mouth, didst Thou not make the Mouth of the Stammering Moses to speak? Didst thou not open the Lips of Jeremiah, when hee pleaded, I cannot speak? Did not my Lord Jesus Christ cure a man that had an Impediment in his Speech? Oh! Lord, Oh! Lord, I am sensible, that one Touch, one Word of thine will releeve my Infirmitie. Oh! touch my Tongue: Say, Ephphatha and my mouth will bee opened! That which Thou hast already done for mee, showes what thou art able to do. Oh! Lett thy wonderful Works bee Seen!

"And, Lord, Art thou not a Faithful God? Yea, Thou art faithful and true. And, Lord, shall I now say that Thou hast encouraged mee, in this also. I have heretofore found Thee marvellously proportioning my Speech to my Need: The Language of which was, Trust in mee, Fear not, I will never fail Thee. Hast thou not many a Time, created in mee a strong Perswasion, when I have been upon my Knees before Thee, that Thou hadst greater Supplies of Speech in store for mee, than I ever yett received? and shall this Perswasion prove a Delusion? Farr be it? No, I had with it a frequent Earnest of this future Mercy. And what is thy Word? Hast thou not expressly said, the Tongue of the

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Stammerer shall speak plainly? Lord, I lay hold upon that Word. Hast thou not said unto my Faith, none of them who trust in Thee shall be desolate; and Thou wilt never forsake them that seek Thee? Oh! fulfil unto mee, those words of Thine. Thou wilt fulfil them!

"But, Oh! my Lord, I have one Argument more, to bring which Thou wilt have regard unto. It is this: O Lord, open Thou my Lips, and my Mouth shall show forth Thy Praise. Abundance of Praise will come to thy Name, if Thou grant mee my Request. Others that hear, will adore thy Attributes; and I shall myself do Service for Thee. What shall I say? Oh! Lord God; my Tongue is Thine. I have given it unto Thee. I have endeavoured a little to improve it for Thee; and shall yett more do so. And, Lord, wilt thou lay unhappy Chains upon one of Thy Tongues? There are Multitudes in the World that never gave their Tongues unto Thee, who yett enjoy them, without any afflictive Restraint upon them. And wilt thou deny this to mee, who have otherwise desired, otherwise designed? Lord; I now know, that Thou hast heard mee. Oh! my God and Father: Thou hast heard the Voice of my Supplications. I will now live unto Thee forever and ever. And I now conclude, with declaring, that I do not, I dare not, expect this Mercy, on the Account of any Thing that I perform, or purpose; but I reckon it swimming down unto mee, in the Blood of the Sweetest Jesus; to whom I shall render everlasting Hallelujahs."

Thus did my glorious Lord-Redeemer, make the Remainders of my Affliction in my Utterance an Occasion of my continual Addresses unto Him, with a manifold exercise of Grace. Tis possible, that Satan also, might make this an Occasion of daily Buffetings upon mee; albeit by careful Speaking, I all this while, was an uninterrupted Preacher, that found much Acceptance among the Churches of God.

Why should I bee discouraged? Moses complained that

the Infirmitie of his Utterance continued, after his Entrance upon his Ministry!1

1

However, I received an Answer to the Prayers of this Day, in an immediate and perceptible Enlargement, unto the Liberty of my Speech. And as for Matters, in the Church, which I this Day also recommended unto the Lord, they went on very comfortably.

22 d. 11 m. Lord's-Day. I will once more, give a Specimen, of an Heart proceeding methodically, at the Table of the Lord.

My Heart, this Day, thus proceeded.

At the Administration of the Bread.

"It is said, Joh. 2. 11. Jesus manifested forth His Glory and His Disciples beleeved on Him.

"Here my Lord, is manifesting of His glory, His mediatorial Glory. What remains, but that I beleeve on Him. "Am I willing so to do?

"Yes; I have nothing against it. Lett mee receive Him, enjoy Him, depend on Him, in all His Offices forever. "Thou shalt so; saies the Lord: Here I bring Thee, a Seal of it. So the Bread comes: taking whereof, I consider, that the Lord Jesus Christ is mine, and I shall bee saved by Him. At the Administration of the Cup.

"May not the greatest Sinners, have an Interest in the Salvation, whereof the Lord Jesus Christ is the Author? CC 'Yes.

"But what must I do, that I may have so!

"I must return to God, in and by the Lord Jesus Christ; and then all that Salvation is mine forever.

"Am I willing. so to do?

"Yes; I am willing.

"Then saies the Lord, the Salvation is thine: I seal it unto thee. So the Cup comes; and I spend the Rest of the Time, in rejoicing upon this Assurance.'

1 This paragraph is written in the margin.

6 d. 12 m. The Church of Newhaven renewed their Addresses unto poor, vile mee to become their Pastor; but this Day, I wrote unto them, the Indisposition which I had, unto the Thing which they desired.

My Reason was, because the Church of North Boston would have entertained uncomfortable Dissatisfactions at my Father, if after so many importunate Votes of theirs, for my Settlement here, hee had any way permitted my Removal from them.1

What Repentance will do? The same that you read, Prov. 30. 20. But more effectually, more commendably. David in his younger years was taken in Adultery; in his old Age was found abed with a Virgin.

Hæc est virtus Christi Domini; ut quamvis peccator sit, qui ejus unda ablutus fuerit, denuo in virginem reparetur, fitque Virgo Fide Christi, qui fuerit Adulter corruptione peccati.

1 He remained an assistant until January 8, 1682-83, when the North Church chose him for its Pastor, but was not ordained until May, 1684.

1682-83

THE XXIST YEAR OF MY AGE

Horæ plusquam Amœnæ, nunquam redituræ.1

12 d. 12 m. [February], 1682-83. I am this Day twenty Yeare old. But alas, how little have I done, for the Glory of God all this While!

I would this Day resolve, especially two Things.

I. To bee more diligent in searching of the Scriptures. II. To bee more Concerned, for the Welfare of the Church whereto I am related.

19 d. 12 m. A PURPOSE.

There are some Gentlemen, and Merchants, in whom the Good God, hath given mee an Interest; and shall I not improve that Interest?

I may do well, to engage them, in Agreements, together, to single out some godly, but needy Ministers in the Countrey, for the Objects of their Charity; unto whom their Bounty may so expresse itself, that God may bee glorified and they themselves gloriously rewarded.

4 d. 1 m. [March.] 1682-83. Lord's-Day. Hearing my Father preach a Sermon, upon the Eighth Commandment, I considered, that I have in my study, two or three small Books, which I borrowed of my Schoolfellow, when wee were at School together, and the Promise, to return them when hee should call for them. He afterwards left off Learning, and went out of the Countrey, but I still have the Books: I resolve to lay out, however ten times the Value of them in good Books to give away; not knowing how else to have Peace in my own mind.

1 "More than delightful hours, never to return."