1

Lord, to do with my Soul? Why do's Hee thus grind, and break my Heart, and upon every Turn, cast mee into unutterable Anguishes? O surely, Hee will sweeten Heaven to mee at the last. Yea, blessed bee the Name of the Great God; I know that I am entred at the strait Gate and walking in the narrow Way.'

After this, essaying to go unto the Lord Jesus Christ, I found that I could not beleeve on Him. So, I cried earnestly, unto God, even as for my Life that Hee would help mee to beleeve, and, Oh! Blessed bee His Name! Hee did help mee; with a moved, melted, raised Soul, I laid hold on the Lord Jesus Christ, saying, "Lord, tho' I am lamentably full of Miseries; yett, blessed bee thy Name, there is a Christ, in whom there is a Fountain sett open for mee. And now, Lord, Thou hast bidden mee to go unto Him; it is thy Commandment, that I should beleeve. My Lord Jesus Christ has also encouraged mee, with His gracious Invitations, and has told mee, Hee will in no wise cast mee out. Oh! blessed Words! what shall I now do, but come? Lord! At thy Bidding I come! And now I will sitt down satisfied. I know that the Lord Jesus Christ is both an able and a faithful Saviour, and by Him I shall bee saved from my Sins. That, that is the one Thing which I have desired; and that I will seek after, even, that my Iniquities may bee subdued; and that I may bee sanctified as well as pardoned. And, Oh! what a glorious Word is this! It belongs unto my Lord Redeemer now, to destroy all my Sins. Why doth Hee call for my Heart? Is it not, that Hee might work all His own works in it? Why doth Hee knock at the Door of my Soul? Is it not, that he may come in to sett up His Kingdome there! And is that it? O Lord. Oh! lett that blessed thing bee done. And, now, I beleeve I shall bee saved. Being a Sheep, in the Hands of the Lord Jesus Christ, I never shall miscarry.'

These Passages I recite the more distinctly that so,

having been thus in my Youth, taught of God, I may do something towards the Teaching of my Children or others with whom I may leave these Papers, the Way of Salvation by Jesus Christ. This Day also I received an Assurance from the Lord, that I should yett live to do some great Services for Him.

10 d. 3 m. [May.] This Day being taken with a violent pain in my Back and Side, which looked like a Messenger of Death, I wrote the following

THOUGHTS.

Oh! the Hardness of my Heart! If Mercies could have softned or quickned mee I should not have been as I am; but there is desperate Wickedness, from which I am yett uncleansed. I have sometimes thought I should never come to this Pass, when in secret Places, my filled Soul has been satisfied with the communion of the Blessed God. But nothing will now work in mee! Oh! I am as fitt for Sickness, as ever any poor Creature was. Fitt, in the same Sense, that a rotten Stump, is fitt for the Fire. And, Lord, shall I never bee awakened, until I feel the heavy Blowes of thy Hand? However, I have this to say. First, Lord, Thou canst rectify my Spirit every Way, without such bitter Corrections, as I have Reason to expect. Next, Lord, yett if thou wilt afflict mee, yett if I may bee brought thereby to see thee more, and love thee more, I submitt; here I am; afflict mee; do what thou wilt with mee; kill mee; for thy Grace hath made mee willing to dy; only, only, only, help mee to delight in thee, and to glorify thy dearest Name.

So filthy a Wretch as I who continually grieves the good Spirit of the Lord Jesus Christ, and grow proud and vain when Hee does exalt mee with His Favors have Cause to mention His Assistences unto mee with a very trembling Soul.

And what shall I make of this Instance?

ایسے

There was an honest Man in the Town, whom I lovingly and frequently rebuked, for his neglecting to join himself unto some Church of the Lord Jesus Christ. His Indisposition thereunto continuing, I told him, Well the God of Heaven hath by His Word been calling upon you; expect now to have Him speak unto you by a Blow! A few Days after this, the honest Man fell down from the top of an House and received a Blow, whereof hee lay, for some weeks, as dead. But coming to himself, one of the first things hee thought on, was what I had said unto him; under the sense whereof, hee quickly went and joined himself unto the South church.

14 d. 3 m. 1681. This Day I saw that I had great cause to humble myself in Fasting and Prayer before the Lord, and accordingly I sett apart the Day.

Because, 1. My old Iniquities might make mee walk softly in the Bitterness of my Soul, all the Dayes of my Life. Oh! I was never enough humbled for them!

2. My late Infirmities have been very grievous, my proud, my wanton, my slothful Heart, fearfully testifies against mee.

3. The Lord has been so provoked, as to withdraw the Light of His Countenance from mee, and leave mee in a condition of heavy Darkness.

4. I am as unprofitable a Creature, as almost any I know in the World!

5. Times of Trouble are coming, and I had need yett the Mark of God upon mee.

For these causes, I devoted the Day unto the Lord; that I might abase myself before Him, and implore His Blessings, in all Respects, upon mee.

This Day, I thus renewed my Closure with the Lord Jesus Christ.

Lord, I am a vile Sinner, and, which my Soul melts at the mention of, Thou art justly angry with mee. But, Oh! for a Reconciliation! Lord, Is there no Hope in Israel? Yea, thou hast opened a Door of Hope. And what a Word is that

which thou hast spoken? Thou dost even beseech Sinners to bee reconciled unto thyself. Is that so? Lord, I am willing to bee reconciled unto thee; my very Soul desires to love thee, and love thy Wayes, and walk therein alwayes, even unto the End. But is there not a Jesus who delivers from the Wrath to come? A JESUS! Lord, my Soul now lives and melts at the Remembrance of that sweet Name. A JESUS who is a mighty Saviour. To Him I go; and, Lord, It is Hee that formerly

It is at thy Bidding that I go. invited mee, formerly encouraged mee, formerly assisted mee, to come unto Him, and I formerly have also found it good for mee so to do. Hee calls even such as I am, and solemnly professes, that Hee will not cast them out, when they come unto Him. Lo! then I come; I bring my Soul unto Him; Oh, lett Him save mee. Is not Hee a Priest, a Prophet, a King? Now, now I have enough, my Soul needs no more. Hee will bee these to mee, and therefore Hee will bee All to mee. And now I am satisfied! Tho' my Case bee so very bad, and tho' my Distempers are so very strong, that I am in myself at an utter Loss, how to releeve myself, yett Hee will bee my Undertaker; I will rejoice in that Lord, and in His Salvation. Hee will carry on the works which Hee has begun, till the Times of Refreshing do come from the Presence of the Lord."

My Heart was this Day also melted with a marvellous Assurance, that I should enjoy much of the Divine Presence with mee in my Ministry.

16 d. 3 m. Choosing, for the sake of some Conveniences, to retire for my Studies, into our spacious Meeting-house, I had a strong Impression, on my Mind, there to make a Prayer, in one of the Pewes; and particularly, in a Pew belonging to one Mr. Middlecot;1 a Gentleman of good Fashion and

1 Richard Middlecot was admitted into the Church March 20, 1691-92. He was a merchant, son of Middlecott of Warminster, England, who served his apprenticeship with a merchant of Bristol. Married Sarah Winslow, widow of Miles Standish. Mass. Hist. Proceedings, XIII. 410.

Quality, in our Neighbourhood; but one of an airy Temper, and not yett making much Show of Acquaintances with the Wayes of God: nor indeed, was hee any other than a Stranger to myself. Here, I cried unto the Lord, for this Gentleman, who was the owner of the Pew, that the Lord would work thoroughly and savingly on his Heart, and make him a really renewed Person, and lett mee live to see the Answer of these my Prayers. And I had my Heart filled, with a strange and a strong Hope, that my Prayers would at one Time or other bee graciously answered.

Memorandum. About eleven years afterwards, I saw the Answer of these Prayers, when the very Gentleman joined unto our Church, and proved himself in further Instances a pious Person, and a great Blessing and Comfort unto myself.1

4 d. 4 m. [June.] This Morning as I was going, for I knew not what myself, into one of our Chambers, I accidentally took up a Book, lying there; which was Mr. H. Lukins of Prayer.2 There I litt upon this Passage,

"Some Men go to Markett only for Company and Curiosity, and such are soon weary of being there; and may come home as soon as they please. But those that are Men of much Business, and great Dealing have many Occasions to take up their Time, which cause them many Times to stay late. Formal Christians have little to do with God, when they come to Him only for Company or Custome, but a serious Christian, that understands the Business of Christianitie, hath so much to do, when hee comes to the Throne of Grace, and the Favour of God, to desire towards in so many particular Cases and on so many Occasions, that hee hardly knowes how to gett away.

These Words were to mee like a Rebuke of Thunder. I

1 This memorandum is written in the margin.

Henry Lukin (1628–1719), a non-conformist divine, whose "The Interest of the Spirit in Prayer" was printed in London, in 1674 and again in 1678.